Life is a river ride...sometimes floating along, just enjoying it, sometimes hanging on during some rapids and turbulence, and sometimes you feel like you're going to drown. The last one is not so fun. I've told lots of people about my few and far between, on and off struggle with depression. It's not fun of course, but it's something that can affect life greatly. I know many people who have it so bad, I don't know how they survive. But for me, I haven't dealt with it much. Sometimes I feel like talking about it, sometimes I don't. I'm so grateful for family/friends who were open with me about their struggles, because I may have never recognized it happening in my life. My grandmother struggled with it greatly, and back then, the treatment was a lobotomy, and shock treatment. Thank goodness for modern medicine! I'm lucky mine is not so severe.
This time, I could see myself slipping in all areas, but always coming up with some excuse. I was unable to get the chores done (not even close is more accurate), not reading my scriptures, or saying my prayers. Feeling very tired, and unmotivated. Not teaching the kids as much. Feeling very guilty. Just trying to keep my head above water, and finally feeling it all come down on me. Monday it came to my attention. I did not want to do ANYTHING. I wanted to hide, and just be invisible. I didn't care about my chores/responsibilities, I could only handle doing the absolute bare essentials. I hadn't showered in days...and I didn't even mind!! I called Brett, and told him what I was feeling, and was sobbing (that's a clue there too), and he having gone through this with me before, immediately knew what was going on. When I have grocery bags still on the kitchen floor from 5 days ago, and none of us have clean clothes, that's usually when it finally hits me, somethings not right. The past month and a half (or more) have not been as good as I thought!
Anyway, I went to the doc yesterday, she talked to me, pointed out some things that have been going on (Will's continued sickness, Brett's calling change, Morgan's struggle with school, etc), reassured me, gave me some help, and within 4-6 weeks, I should see a difference...ha ha! I can't believe it takes so long. Brett's out of town this week, and I'm literally just making sure that the kids get to school, are fed, and get a bath. That's it (it's kind of nice to have such a simplified life)! Every so often, I can get something else done as well. Sounds pitiful, but it is what it is! I'm not worried about it at all now...I know what to do.
So if anyone has been trying to call, or stop by, and I don't answer......I'm a bit behind on my messages right now. In fact, I had a knock on the door the other night, one of the kids went to look out the window to see who it was, and said it was a stranger. So I ignored it, even though there was another knock, then a doorbell, and another doorbell. Another kid looked out, and said "I think it's a police man". I got up, and answered, and I guess one of the kids (I'm thinking the baby), dialed 9-1-1. He was very kind, and understanding about it, but that became another important thing for me to do...make sure the phone is up high for only the big kids to reach!
I hope you know that anyone can always call me if they are struggling with this. There are times when I'm not myself, and can't help, but they're rare and far between. I'm very grateful for help from above, and can feel it very strongly right now. I'm not worried in the least about this, and know I've been able to do what's necessary to get feeling better. It will take some work, but I'll be good to go in no time!
This time, I could see myself slipping in all areas, but always coming up with some excuse. I was unable to get the chores done (not even close is more accurate), not reading my scriptures, or saying my prayers. Feeling very tired, and unmotivated. Not teaching the kids as much. Feeling very guilty. Just trying to keep my head above water, and finally feeling it all come down on me. Monday it came to my attention. I did not want to do ANYTHING. I wanted to hide, and just be invisible. I didn't care about my chores/responsibilities, I could only handle doing the absolute bare essentials. I hadn't showered in days...and I didn't even mind!! I called Brett, and told him what I was feeling, and was sobbing (that's a clue there too), and he having gone through this with me before, immediately knew what was going on. When I have grocery bags still on the kitchen floor from 5 days ago, and none of us have clean clothes, that's usually when it finally hits me, somethings not right. The past month and a half (or more) have not been as good as I thought!
Anyway, I went to the doc yesterday, she talked to me, pointed out some things that have been going on (Will's continued sickness, Brett's calling change, Morgan's struggle with school, etc), reassured me, gave me some help, and within 4-6 weeks, I should see a difference...ha ha! I can't believe it takes so long. Brett's out of town this week, and I'm literally just making sure that the kids get to school, are fed, and get a bath. That's it (it's kind of nice to have such a simplified life)! Every so often, I can get something else done as well. Sounds pitiful, but it is what it is! I'm not worried about it at all now...I know what to do.
So if anyone has been trying to call, or stop by, and I don't answer......I'm a bit behind on my messages right now. In fact, I had a knock on the door the other night, one of the kids went to look out the window to see who it was, and said it was a stranger. So I ignored it, even though there was another knock, then a doorbell, and another doorbell. Another kid looked out, and said "I think it's a police man". I got up, and answered, and I guess one of the kids (I'm thinking the baby), dialed 9-1-1. He was very kind, and understanding about it, but that became another important thing for me to do...make sure the phone is up high for only the big kids to reach!
I hope you know that anyone can always call me if they are struggling with this. There are times when I'm not myself, and can't help, but they're rare and far between. I'm very grateful for help from above, and can feel it very strongly right now. I'm not worried in the least about this, and know I've been able to do what's necessary to get feeling better. It will take some work, but I'll be good to go in no time!
3 comments:
I sure am glad you are ok and hopefully these feelings will be long gone in no time! I admire your honesty and openness. I'm thinking about you and just remember you are not alone in these struggles. I love you lots and lots....you just keep that head above water and keep on swimmin'
Even at your worst you are amazing. Thanks for sharing your struggles with the rest of us. I think we all learn alot from each other (or at least I learn alot from you). You are a great mother and a very fun sister-in-law (even though Brett is afraid to let me talk to you for fear we may hatch up a plan for a trip!). Keep your chin up and remember that we love you! ~Sherrie (I think I'm signed in under Maddie's account for some reason--I'm so confused)
Amanda I wanted to tell you that I think everyone has bouts with depression. I know I have had my times of depression and also needed to seek help with it. I think i will battle it all of my life, this is why I always keep myself so busy. If I don't have time to think I feel like I can't get depressed. For me the only thing that keeps me afloat sometimes is completing goals like my running, or school. I guess that is why I will NEED to be in school forever. You are wonderful and have always been an inspiration to me. You were one of the first people to welcome me to the ward and I felt like I had a real friend. I think you are doing a great job juggling all that you do. I don't think I could ever have twins and accomplish what you have. Keep truckin because you are doing great.
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